The Difficult Process of Blooming

I’ve been trying for quite some time now to think about what to post on this blog. As much as I would have loved to talk about my new (changing!) planner setup, the apps I use for writing, my writing process, I decided to talk about something else instead. Something I’ve started to come to terms with recently, and feeling it slowly compound and coalesce.

It’s how to deal with Rejection and Other Unexpected Outcomes.

How to deal with the painful process of dreaming of something, getting it, and yet still be made to feel like you are not good enough. Not good enough to get the validation, the recognition (the promotion) other people were given. And how suddenly the thing you were working for feels forgotten and set aside before it’s even out.

I’ve seen a couple of articles pass by my feed on Authors specifically feeling a sense of sadness or emptiness after releasing a book. And it took so many books for me to recognize that I was feeling the same, even as I knew intellectually that this was a feeling, and it was not permanent.

But let’s be honest. It sucks. And that is step one.

Admit To Yourself That It Sucks

What does that even look like, right? But to acknowledge what getting what you wanted would have meant, to give it the gravity it deserved and telling yourself, it’s shit that I didn’t get it, actually! It makes you feel lighter, somehow? It’s the difference between listening to a band over Spotify and seeing them live. To feel the thing is physical and emotional, and admitting to yourself (sometimes saying out loud) that you feel negatively about the disappointment is maybe the first step in dealing with it. Give it the proper space to be felt. If you watched the Rapline’s performance of Outro Tear with JHope in that gorgeous Dior fit ten times, then you can give just about the same amount of time to physically feeling whatever it is.

What Is This Feeling?

Now that you fully grasped the depth and breadth of that sucky feeling (you might even feel it in your stomach right now, for me it immediately manifests into crying, whatever the feeling), it’s time to think about giving the feeling a name. I called mine ‘defeat.’ Because you did everything you were supposed to, you put your heart and soul into the thing, only to find out that there’s nothing more that can be done. That decisions are out of your hands. Defeat can lead to helplessness, sadness, and a need to hug a pillow. But this is a feeling, and guess what! Feelings are not permanent! Because next thing you get to do is the thing you might be really good at—

Convince Yourself

Thank you, Jinx Monsoon. But really! As a Horse in the Chinese Zodiac, I like the idea of putting on blinders and barreling toward a goal. In this case, now that you’ve felt all the disappointment and defeat, adds more meaning to the things you would have told yourself to downplay the feeling—maybe you would feel better to promote the book, still! Maybe you make big plans for your next book, to give it the space and acknowledgement it deserved! Suddenly these convictions feel properly seasoned with its own emotional journeys, and not so meaningless and rationalizing. Sometimes the conclusion is ha-ha, pettiness. And it will only be all the more delicious for your emotional acceptance.

IN SHORT, I FEEL IT ALL TOO.

And the surprising thing is that when you’ve felt it, when you’ve given it a name and shed a few tears over it, it doesn’t linger as much. It doesn’t get stuck under your skin as much as disappointment and rejection used to. And because you’ve rationalized to yourself what to do next, what you can do next, there are places to go to. There are feelings to feel after. There is more kilig to be had. Isn’t that exciting?

Anyway. I just wanted to leave this on this particular corner of the internet where it can live. And if it helps anyone, I love that for us.

Here, have a Doechii song that is going to be the theme of my 2025.